I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
