i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
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I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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