Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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