You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
