i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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