Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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