I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
