I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
