Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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