Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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