is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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