I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
