on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
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Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
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It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
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