god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
