There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
I cut my penus on the lid.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
