just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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