I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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