just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
