I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The feeling are messing with the penis
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We need to get me chipped asap
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
