I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Randomize
