ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Randomize
