new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
