I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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