i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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