i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
