this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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