This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
time to smoke my breakfast
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
