break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
