Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
No more Irish car bombs ever.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
