Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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