so explain again why im purple
no
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
