omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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