i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
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holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
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Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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