Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
