apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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