You can't special order awesome
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
