"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
