i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
