So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Randomize
