she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
