update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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