I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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