She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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