My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
