I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
