Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
