my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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