You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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