He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
