I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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