I cut my penus on the lid.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
