Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He uses pillows to masturbate.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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