small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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