after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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