Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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