all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize