you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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