i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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