our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
