Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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