my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
