I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
