ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
